#1. I call these ones “Resolution Women.” It’s their resolution for every New Year to get married before the year ends. Usually, they are desperate. Their time is limited and can’t afford to waste a lot of it in dating. Immediately you go for them, you’re not a boyfriend. You’re a husband. A husband who has to be groomed in a short spell of time to be ready for the big occasion. You wouldn’t know but to them, you are the husband. As a result, you have to mature quickly into the new role they are preparing you for.
To them, every conversation is a marital conversation. You are expected to even communicate as a husband. Expect to answer questions like; “when are we visiting my parents?” “When are we going to see the pastor who prophesied about our marriage?” “Don’t you think it’s better we started buying the engagement stuff? Meanwhile, you’ve dated for only one month. If you are thinking long term with respect to marriage, then it’s going to be agony for you.
#2. Here the lady is not working. Her job is the relationship. Her office is in love. She sees the proposal process as the job interview. Immediately she says yes, she’s employed. Her next paycheck is going to come from you.
You pay for everything on them. Hair, manicure, dress, makeup, and boobs jack (whatever that is) Expect to answer questions like: “why don’t you buy pizza for me when coming?” “Kofi, when are you going to send me the money you promised?” When should I come over to pick the cheque for the rent? That’s where all your money goes down the drain.
#3. These ones don’t allow touching. You won’t touch because everything on them is for their future husband. They don’t see you as the future husband yet because you haven’t made any concrete move to prove your marriage intentions. But guess what, they reserve the right on everything in your pocket and wallet. You can’t touch now but you’ll pay now.
You’ll pay but you won’t have any right to erections around them. You can’t touch, you can’t kiss, no sex but you’ll pay money for her expenses. If you don’t pay, it means you don’t love them enough. You’ll usually hear them say; “True love is not about sex oo.” “If we have sex now, on our honeymoon the sex will lose some spark?” “Pre-marital sex is a sin against God.” Pre-marital expenses can’t be a sin. It’s classified under giving as the bible said “there’s more blessing in giving than receiving. So who knows, you have to keep paying without expecting for your blessing is in heaven.
#4. These ones haven’t been in a relationship for so long. At a point, they might have given up on the relationship all together thinking no man loves them. In the process, they develop the mindset that there might be something wrong with them that drive men away or simply they are not good enough. Their confidence is less than an inch tall. They give up on themselves. Retreat and keep living in the shells of their comfort zone.
Then you came along. You managed to make them fall in love with you. They see you as their saving grace and don’t want to do anything wrong. In the process of trying not to do anything wrong, they do all things wrong.
You’ll have to coach her confidence because she had none. Every other lady friend of yours is a rival. If she sees you walking with a taller lady, she feels you don’t love her because she’s not taller. Expect to answer questions like: “is it because she’s fairer than I am that’s why you like her so much?” “That lady I saw you walking with, what does she have that I don’t” “OW so you like slimmer ladies, why did you then come to me?”
#5. I call these ones “Walking History Books.” They’ve been in several relationships that didn’t work. They’ve been hurt, broken and left to die. Somehow, their heart kept surviving all the heartbreak they’ve gone through. And their minds are keeping the mental pictures of all the relationship they’ve been in and all the bad things that happened, why they happened and how they happened. They haven’t given up. They still love to try again till they find the true love.
The problem is, when they are with you, they will assess your movement using their past relationship history as the yardstick. In the end, they make you pay for the sins of all the guys that disappointed them.
Yeah, they’ll torture you with the history lessons of their love life. They usually say things like; “That’s what my ex did when he wanted to leave me, and you are doing same.” “Yeah, you men are all the same. When I caught my ex, he gave the same excuse that you’re saying now.” Everything you do is measured by the history of the exes.
#6. These ones have been loved by the best before. Her previous guy was the best thing that ever happened to her. He was sweet, caring, romantic, sexy and all the good things bundled in one. If you hear her talk about the guy, you might think she’s referring to the coming messiah. But Something, as she’ll often tell you, beyond the control of both of them made them break up. So as these ladies move on in life, they are looking for the replica of their past love fantasy. Whoever they find should better look like their ex or they’ll try to mold you into their ex kind of a guy.
Oh yeah, you’ll never stop hearing them telling you what their ex would have done in certain situations. It’s not about you. You are in a relationship to learn to be her fantasy.
You should get used to sayings like; “Why didn’t you buy it for me? If it were to be Kojo my ex, he would have bought even twice of that for me.” “You are not caring at all, if it were to be Kojo my ex, he would have passed through the ocean at dawn to come pick me to the program.” You better start looking for Kojo to learn his ways or you won’t succeed.
#7. These ones are my favorite. They are my favorite because of the drama they bring to life each day. I love drama. I call these ones “Owners.” They don’t want to own your wallet or own anything material. They only want to own you. At first, it sounds lovely until you realize they don’t want to own only you but also want to own your very existence. They should have access to your very soul to know what’s happening there. With them, you don’t have to have a password to anything. Now you’re getting the clearer picture of the kind of ownership I’m talking about here, right?
They always want to know everything concerning you. In the end, you’ll have nothing to cover anything. Everything should be left bare for their assessment.
Expect to answer these questions; “Who is this girl who called you this morning and spoke for one minute, thirty-one seconds? This question usually comes when your phone is in her hands. “Where was I when you were taking this picture with that lady?” “Why did you leave 6 grains of rice in the plate, is the food I cooked not nice?” You better not stutter when giving answers to such questions or else you are in trouble.
#8. They are cold like cucumber so I called them The Cucumber. They love you and then nothing you do seems to affect them. When you are wrong, they know it but won’t say anything. They don’t argue. They don’t fight. Theirs is life as usual. Sometimes the guilt on you becomes too much because you know they know your cheating behavior. You know they know your evil ways but these ones won’t talk about it.
One day…when everything seems right and calm, they just tell you it’s over. That’s the only fighting word you’ll hear them say all through the relationship. When they say that, nothing changes their mind. Nothing means nothing. You can give them a piece of the sun and that won’t change their mind.
You always feel guilty. They don’t give you the chance to explain or lie about your wrongs. So you always have a pent up guilt in you.
Expect to hear annoying things like this…Nothing! They don’t say much.
#9. These ones hardly show care. They tell you they love you but it never shows in their daily dealings with you. Usually, they don’t want to be emotionally reliant on a man. They won’t call you until you call them. They are not the type to come crying on your shoulders when things go wrong. They are very opened. They are too opened they see their relationship as nothing to hold them back. These ones don’t have time to brood over the relationship gone bad. You leave them today, tomorrow they are chilling. They are not scared to lose you. You are the one scared to lose them.
You are never certain about them. Their love comes in glimpses. Today they give you a reason to believe. Tomorrow they take that reason away. You are never certain with them.
Expect to get used to being told: “Do whatever you want, I’m cool with it.” “Ow naaa, don’t come over, I can handle it.” “Thank you but I’m ok, don’t worry about me.” They are always ok. Nothing makes them want you. They make you feel inadequate and not wanted as a man till you give up.
Author: Nesta Jojoe Erskine
A blogger, speaker and social media enthusiast